Why “unguarded”?

When I created this website for my writing, I wanted to have an intention. I didn’t want to write just for the sake of writing, although I need to do more of that too. I wanted this blog to be a space that required something specific of me. I thought about how I wanted to brand myself but, more personally, I thought about what it would mean for me to reveal glimpses of myself on the internet. In the past, when I’ve shared my writing, it’s always been polished. I would rarely share things that were in-process or unedited. Even within the writing group I attend, I wouldn’t bring pieces if they weren’t finished.

It took me a long time to realize that I was a perfectionist, which is ridiculous. But, coming from a long line of perfectionists, for the first 25 years of my life, I thought this was just how everyone was. I thought all of us walked into a room and fixed throw pillows, hung up jackets, and adjusted papers to be at a right angle to the countertop. It turns out, most people don’t do that and I’m a little bit obsessive. Realizing my perfectionism, though, was my first step in challenging my bar for self-acceptance.

What happens if I don’t have the perfect outfit? What happens if I don’t put everything away that’s on the kitchen counter? What happens if I leave a bag on the floor that needs unpacking? Clearly, nothing, but it took a lot of deep breathing for me to realize that. I have so much anxiety around being perfect that it’s physically difficult for me to not adjust everything around me to my unrealistic standards. This doesn’t help me and it doesn’t help anyone else.

So, why unguarded? It’s right there in the tagline. Relinquishing perfectionism. Witnessing messiness. Sharing my truths. Instead of striving to have the smartest, most creative, most innovative piece of writing each time I post, I’m striving to simply write about what I’m experiencing right now. Instead of editing over and over again, I post after one or two read-throughs. Instead of worrying about what others will think of me, I think of who might need to hear about my experiences in order to feel less alone. So, this space is not about sharing my best writing. It’s about sharing all of me, imperfect, messy, and unguarded.